Finding a Center of Balance (Part 1)

Perfect pictorial representation of how I currently feel

I give a lot of myself (and at 5’11”, there is a lot to give!) I remember learning about the word altruistic in high school and thinking, “Wow, that fits me to a T!” It even became one of my favorite words. I was happy making others happy – from friends, to family, to colleagues, and even to strangers. Also, I thought giving to others made me a good person in God’s eyes.

But at what point is giving of yourself too much? At what point does pure altruism backfire? When is it okay to be a little selfish? Even as I write this, I cringe at the word “selfish.” Perhaps I should ask, when is it okay to take care of one’s own needs?

The adage goes, “You can’t fully take care of others until you take care of yourself.” I struggle with this notion; I honestly don’t know what it means to take care of myself, and I’m pretty sure I am feeling the effects now. I feel…unbalanced.

Between supporting disadvantaged students, dealing with family challenges, being a shoulder to lean on for friends, trying to understand my “it’s complicated relatinship, amongst other things, I feel like I have no time for myself. The time I do have, I end up vegging out and perusing Facebook and Youtube. Then I end up feeing bad about being completely unproductive.

I NEED to make more productive time for myself. I have had this conversation with justjeoms, and I had it again last week with another friend. It’s okay to say “no” sometimes when requested to do something. It’s okay to take a vacation day or two from work. It’s okay to want to move out of the region even though your family is still here. It’s okay to schedule a date with a friend on a day that is more convenient for you. It’s okay that you’re unmarried and childless so that you can go back to school. It’s okay to do you sometimes!

Now that I believe that, my next challenge is putting it into practice. I requested 2 days off from work, and at first I felt bad for doing so during our busy recruitment season. But you know what? I really need the extra time to sort through and identify my goals and the areas of life that I want to grow in. So I’m going to use that time to do a little soul-searching. I will post my reflection in a forthcoming post.

Apologies

Which type of apology do you usually give? (Image by Serge Bloch)

In my opinion, apologies are complicated. I’ve been thinking a lot about them lately and I still have a lot of questions. Like, does it mean the same thing to say “I’m sorry” and to say “I apologize”? Is the philosophy behind apologies the same as the philosophy behind forgiveness? That is, are apologies meant more to free yourself than to appease the other person? If an apology is made and the other person doesn’t acknowledge it, is it still an apology? And how do you orchestrate the double-apology? You know in cases when you’ve both hurt each other. I imagine neither of you wants to apologize first because you’re worried the other person might not return the apology and this would essentially add insult to injury. So neither of you apologizes because you’re both afraid of that happening.

Despite all the questions, there are a few things I’ve worked out. First, I think it negates the point of an apology when an individual tries to rationalize or justify his or her behavior while apologizing. If you’re really contrite, then by all means apologize. But if you’re really interested in arguing your case and explaining to me why what you did wasn’t really wrong because what you really meant was blah, blah, blah, then save your apology.

Another thing, I personally don’t like when people say “I’m sorry” all the time. It takes away the depth, the meaning of the phrase until it becomes just an empty platitude. I used to do that. I’m still working on only saying “I’m sorry” when I actually mean that I am regretful of something.

As for who an apology is for, I do think of it mostly like forgiveness. In the past, I would apologize for the other person. That is, I would say I’m sorry hoping they would forgive me or excuse my actions. But that felt desperate and unsatisfying. And my apologies weren’t really meaningful. Now I apologize for myself; I apologize to express my sadness and my upsetness. I apologize so that the other person knows how I feel, not so the other person can make me feel better or ease my guilt. All that being said, there are times when I apologize for the other person, such as when I know that an apology from me is important to them. And even then, it’s still genuine because even though I may not be sorry for my actions, I’m always sorry when someone feels hurt or maligned by my words or actions. In those cases, it’s not about defending myself and promoting an agenda, it’s about ameliorating the pain that someone else is feeling when it is in my power to do so.

And a final thought: many things can be communicated in a well-articulated and truly empathic apology. From the perspective of the apologizer, the apology can relieve him or her of tension, of guilt, of sadness, of regret, of whatever uncomfortable feelings s/he has. From the perspective of the apologizee, an apology can ease hurt, embarrassment, resentment, and whatever uncomfortable feelings s/he has.

Apologies are indeed complicated and complex, but the most difficult thing to understand about them might be how in moments of pain, it’s the simplicity and purity of a true “I’m sorry” that makes it so meaningful.

Update: So as I was searching for an image to add to this post, I came across Dr. Jen Thomson’s blog. Her post entitled The Apology Sincerity Scale led me to the WSJ article that originally featured the image I borrowed. The article is a good read, which I recommend, and not just because nine paragraphs in, the author concludes the same thing I’ve said here: apologies are complicated.